Many times to understand something, u must evaluate the obvious. It has been months since I last wrote a blog. I have been pre-occupied with school, work, my daughter, and sadly the drama that surrounds her having a father.
I know it this may seem harsh, but sometimes I wish I could have had her by myself. It seems every time I give her father the opportunity to be in our lives he is ungrateful, stubborn and brings unnecessary drama.
The beginning:
Brief: Her father and I was in love, at least I thought, until I got pregnant, things changed. He wanted me to get an abortion. I didn't want too. We began arguing, and even having physical altercations. Even so, I never stopped believing he would come around. One day he told me he cheated on me. He apologized but everything else was just was a blur. I was so hurt, I went numb. That day, we were over. Immaturely I went and had sex with some one else as well. At the moment it may seem I did it just to get back at him, but that did nothing but bite me in the ass. I used this man to get over the father of my child. He had become attached not just to me, but the baby I was carrying.
I told him all about my child's father. I informed him on the altercations and how i was in love. He seemed understanding. He nurtured me and told me everything was going to be alright, and I believed him. At times I was shy. pushing him away, not letting him be there, avoiding him, all with hopes that her father would come back, but he never did. People told me I was stupid not to let him take care of us. At school, I was so amazed at how much he talked about me. Everyone knew he loved me, but everyone also knew, I loved her father.
One day I realized I wanted to be by myself. I was now over her father and I no longer wanted my "superman". He was confused. Everything was going so great, than I just stopped caring. One particular day we were filling out my daughters baby book and he asked me if she could have his last name. That moment ended it all.
How could he ask me something like that? How could I give a child that's not his, his name? We argued, we fussed, we screamed, I told him I was still in love with her father. At That moment, he hit me. To be honest, as much time he had devoted to me, I would have hit me too. He apologized, and paid me not to say anything. I took the money, and went on a shopping spree just for my baby. He began calling my family. Telling them about our conflict. My family told me to use him. Let him be her father, lie, whatever he wanted to hear, let him hear, because he wanted to be her father, and he was the only chance we had to a family. I instead refused. I didn't believe it. I believed her father would come back. Sometimes I beat my self up because I could have played him. I could have listen to my family and got everything out of him. He was in the palm of my hand. I let it go.
Still I waited. On April 1st, my labor started. I was scared and in Denial. I went to school, and out to eat, as if I didn't know I was in labor. On April 2nd, I was told Enobong Umoh was taking me to court for a peace order, claiming I bust the windows out of his car. WTF. Here I was in labor. WTF was I doing busting the windows out of someones car. Even my mother called him and told him it wasn't me. The most obvious reason was because all of his windows wasn't busted. The judge did not believe I was in labor, therefore the order was granted and I was to busy preparing to push. He felt like shit when my family called him and told him I was in labor. He was so apologetic and all i could say was ooch and fuck him.
There she was. My angel.
OMMMMGGGG she looks like Eno. Was the first thing I heard when she came out of me. "Didn't I just get rid of him" ? People began calling him. Did I not mention he worked in the same building as my family members, so they grew pretty close. He sent his family down. They agreed. She looked just like him. They came down again, and I called security. Eno went off that I embarrassed his family and he had enough money to take my baby from me. We went to court and he accused me of making up a lie that someone else was her father, just to keep him away from her. He said i was going to change the results and even told how I was going to do so. He filed for custody. I asked for a paternity tested, but he refused. Than finally one was put in the order. I knew before this idiot changed the results, I had to get some results, so i took her father to child support. Not to my surprise, he denied her, made her get swabbed and wouldn't even look at her. The results came in and I had beat Eno to his own game. I had won. My biggest pleasure was her father coming to the custody/ paternity suit because than he could see I didn't make him up. He was real. The man I once loved did exist. Even after the case he asked me why had I lied to the judge and said he wasn't her father. I told him there was nothing to fix, and to stay out of our lives.
Throughout my pregnancy, I never really talked about her father. Although we had been through a lot. I didn't want anyone to judge him, criticize him or even me, for loving someone who had left me alone to raise our child.
Many things continued to happen with her father and I. Many things was because other people interfered with our relationship. People had been emailing me, calling my phone, sending me IMs, breaking into my accounts. It was a mess. I told them to leave me alone! I could never I identify who these people were but they said his name so much I knew they were affiliates of her father. Some one had to pay.... i was trying to raise my child, and they were interfering with my peaceful life. After clearly letting them know to stop fucking with me, i received no more messages until now. This means once again, I have to make it clear for people to leave me a alone.
My reactions has caused my child's father to identify me as things I am not. I hate for him to think those things, especially when i can truly say, if i could have it my way, i would do all I could for him.
The next thing on my agenda will turn heads, i once again will be called immature, stupid and anything else that comes to people's heads. This is simply a way to say DONT FUCK WITH ME.
Now that I have caught everyone up. I will be writing daily to clear my thoughts. I have deactivated my face book and temporarily changed my email address. I need a break to reevaluate want I want. I recently allowed my daughters father back into my life. I hate and love this. But I keep asking my self whats best for my child. Although he is her father, and although I want him in our lives, it doesn't mean its the best decision. Things have happened since letting him in that doesn't add up. We argue, we disagree, and other people control our relationship. If only it was just us.... He may never see it my way. I'm scared that if he doesn't soon, maybe my next reaction will affect me as much as it will him. My next reaction is simply saying fuck him for not believing in me and keeping them in his life. It is simply eliminating him from our daily dose. Or maybe by removing him from our daily activities, I will have want I want, Happiness. We will find out soon.....
